When A Friendship Ends
One of the conversations I find myself in most often with people in their mid to late 20s and early 30s is how to deal with the end of a friendship. When romantic relationships end, they’re easier to process for the two individuals and the people in their lives. When Friendships end, the path forward isn’t always so clear or easy. There’s no socially mapped out process for how to move forward. It can leave people feeling isolated, alone, and afraid of their emotions. It can leave you with a lot of shame and regret. Friendships are such unique and beautiful human relationships because at the end of the day, there is no legal, biological, or permanent commitment there. It’s two people simply choosing to be in each others lives for a myriad of reasons.
Sometimes, those relationships end. A year ago today, I spoke to a friend of mine for the last time. There was a period of time where I considered this person to be one of the closest people to me. It ended abruptly. While I was not expecting that ending to happen in that way, the truth is that the friendship had been ending for a while and it needed to. We were both miserable, trying to make something work that was no longer working. Lord knows everyone in both our lives was tired of hearing about it! Dealing with it this past year has been equally freeing and painful. I feel free from the toxicity of the situation, and I also mourn the loss of a friendship that I thought was lifelong.
When a friendship ends, it can be very easy to make the other person a villain. In my specific case they high key were because this person did something that I found to be treacherous. In the past year though, I’ve gotten the opportunity to hold a mirror to myself and face the ways that I showed up. I accept that I also no doubt inflicted hurts on that person that they’re probably still carrying. I had to silently ask for their forgiveness, and pray that they too are on a journey of healing.
As time passed and the pain lessened, I was able to see things in a different perspective. Yeah the end was terrible, but there were good and beautiful moments. There are precious jokes, experiences, laughs, and tears that are only known to me and that person. Sometimes I miss this person, and that is okay. This person was there for me, and I for them, in some of the most difficult seasons. You can’t erase that. That’s the thing about adding someone into your life. Even when they’re no longer in it, part of them always will be. And part of you will always be in theirs.
So a year later, I am confident of three things. One, I will never want an earthly relationship with this person again, but I do wish them well. Two, I am grateful for the years they were in my life, even as I mourn the loss of the continued relationship I thought we would have. And the third thing I am confident of is that I am enough. The loss of that friendship had me questioning for a short minute if I was lovable, good enough, or worthy enough. I no longer ask myself why. I accept that sometimes as much as we want closure, it isn’t guaranteed, and it isn’t necessary. Waiting for closure can leave you stuck. It is okay and important to move on with your life. In the words of poet laureate Taylor Swift “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”. But even then, I am enough, I am loved, and I am worthy. No external person or factor can change that.
And as I push forward, I find myself opening up to people again. I am finding joy In new friendships. I am delighting in being known by others and getting to know them. I am thankful for the patience and understanding people extend me as I continue to heal from that situation. I honor that friendship. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It shaped me, but it did not break me. So I forgive the person, I forgive myself, and I let go.
